Monday, 23 June 2008

Reuse, Recycle and Revise 2

In preparation for the haiku workshop I facilitated on Saturday, I made some haiku bookmarks (using photos from magazines and my own haiku) for participants to take away with them. One of the first drafts of a haiku I wrote for a bookmark was:


softly weathering -
the faded colours of
abandoned boats.


But on re-reading it, I felt it would be improved by changing the first line:


glowing at sunset -
the faded colours of
abandoned boats.


I felt that the sunset adds a second element to the haiku and enhances the feeling of loss implicit in the second part. What do you think?



Reuse, Recycle and Revise for Read Write Poem

19 comments:

Scot said...

not a fair question--Juliet

both are great!

d. moll, l.ac. said...

For me the first is more of a visual experience and the second more of a body/emotion thing....

egretsnest said...

I like them both -- I really like the softly weathering line but I think the 2nd one is a better haiku. The sunset places it in time and adds that nice dimension to it.

Carole said...

I prefer the second one as it more concrete and immediately conjures up an image.

polona said...

for me, the second one definitely works better.
the juxtaposition adds to the mood and creates the aha! moment

mariacristina said...

The first one implies a longer passage of time, because of weathering. It's more melancholy, because the boats are abandoned, faded, and weathered.

The second one speaks of colors, and although they are fading, they glow at sunset, which gives a hopeful feeling, like a last hurrah.

Janice Thomson said...

Both are wonderful but I do agree the second one is a much better haiku for the point you were making.

Jennifer said...

I agree with Carole that the second one brings to mind a more complete/larger image. Interestingly, when reading the second poem I picture boats in several different colors but in the first they are all shades of gray and fading blue.

However, I'm such a fan of old weathered wood (especially barns and docks) that the first line "softly weather" went right to me.

Rob Kistner said...

I found the first to be an internal evaluation of something beheld. The second seemed more external, a reaction to a moment's occurrence.

I found them both to be captivating, but I'm drawn to the first.

Bill said...

And there's also the contrast of "glow" and "fade": a sunset transformation.

I do like "softly weathering." A problem with it for haiku purists is that, as a longterm process (and one not directly visible to the senses), it takes you out of the moment. If you were to refer to the boats as "weathered," the problem (again, only for haiku purists) would disappear.

The Bunns said...

It sure does depend on the person! The two convey quite different images and feelings ... the first is a bit depressing, the second uplifting.

Lucy said...

I like the second best perhaps, because I like vivid, but to me they're two quite different images, like two photos of the same scene in very different lights.

gardenpath said...

Yes, the second is better, but keep that line, it is good!

Love the haiku, by the way.

Lirone said...

They both work well - but for me the second one edges out the first.

I always feel that with the limited space in haiku it becomes crucial to make each word really work - for me "faded" and weathering" are very close in the images and mood they convey (and are fairly closely linked to "abandoned"), whereas the sunset image adds a very different feel.

Softly weathering is a great phrase though!

Crafty Green Poet said...

thanks everyone - I agree that the first line is worth keeping but as many of you said the second version has added depth and definitely is a better haiku....

odessa said...

i also like the second one more. 'glowing at sunset' just gives you a very vivid picture.

Jo said...

I prefer the first, though both are lovely, there is melancholy in the first which for me is more powerful than the the transience of a sunset.

Crafty Green Poet said...

Jo - in haiku sunset is as melancholy as anything, because its about things ending. The revised version also has two very different elements playing off each other which is also a very strong feature of haiku.

artpredator said...

i like them both--they have two very different feels to them!

congrats on the new job!