tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post521071092476008542..comments2024-03-28T10:05:36.756+00:00Comments on Crafty Green Poet: Reuse, Recycle and Revise 2Crafty Green Poethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02486633917197181851noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-16993015081329723412008-06-27T22:52:00.000+01:002008-06-27T22:52:00.000+01:00i like them both--they have two very different fee...i like them both--they have two very different feels to them!<BR/><BR/>congrats on the new job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-19877899621814585932008-06-27T17:15:00.000+01:002008-06-27T17:15:00.000+01:00Jo - in haiku sunset is as melancholy as anything,...Jo - in haiku sunset is as melancholy as anything, because its about things ending. The revised version also has two very different elements playing off each other which is also a very strong feature of haiku.Crafty Green Poethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02486633917197181851noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-84201945536223862882008-06-27T11:41:00.000+01:002008-06-27T11:41:00.000+01:00I prefer the first, though both are lovely, there ...I prefer the first, though both are lovely, there is melancholy in the first which for me is more powerful than the the transience of a sunset.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-36354141297917402002008-06-27T08:25:00.000+01:002008-06-27T08:25:00.000+01:00i also like the second one more. 'glowing at sunse...i also like the second one more. 'glowing at sunset' just gives you a very vivid picture.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-2563977140200493422008-06-26T08:44:00.000+01:002008-06-26T08:44:00.000+01:00thanks everyone - I agree that the first line is w...thanks everyone - I agree that the first line is worth keeping but as many of you said the second version has added depth and definitely is a better haiku....Crafty Green Poethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02486633917197181851noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-19679706199084900792008-06-26T03:02:00.000+01:002008-06-26T03:02:00.000+01:00They both work well - but for me the second one ed...They both work well - but for me the second one edges out the first. <BR/><BR/>I always feel that with the limited space in haiku it becomes crucial to make each word really work - for me "faded" and weathering" are very close in the images and mood they convey (and are fairly closely linked to "abandoned"), whereas the sunset image adds a very different feel.<BR/> <BR/>Softly weathering is a great phrase though!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-49423727553785934752008-06-25T22:24:00.000+01:002008-06-25T22:24:00.000+01:00Yes, the second is better, but keep that line, it ...Yes, the second is better, but keep that line, it is good!<BR/><BR/>Love the haiku, by the way.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-40076104509800496282008-06-25T21:46:00.000+01:002008-06-25T21:46:00.000+01:00I like the second best perhaps, because I like viv...I like the second best perhaps, because I like vivid, but to me they're two quite different images, like two photos of the same scene in very different lights.Lucyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09764296105901909328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-51406257184494904022008-06-25T06:37:00.000+01:002008-06-25T06:37:00.000+01:00It sure does depend on the person! The two convey...It sure does depend on the person! The two convey quite different images and feelings ... the first is a bit depressing, the second uplifting.The Bunnshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07105710105027758176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-90753131438186411822008-06-24T21:24:00.000+01:002008-06-24T21:24:00.000+01:00And there's also the contrast of "glow" and "fade"...And there's also the contrast of "glow" and "fade": a sunset transformation.<BR/><BR/>I do like "softly weathering." A problem with it for haiku purists is that, as a longterm process (and one not directly visible to the senses), it takes you out of the moment. If you were to refer to the boats as "weathered," the problem (again, only for haiku purists) would disappear.Billhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10717622168200846486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-87333596909450834802008-06-24T21:08:00.000+01:002008-06-24T21:08:00.000+01:00I found the first to be an internal evaluation of ...I found the first to be an internal evaluation of something beheld. The second seemed more external, a reaction to a moment's occurrence.<BR/><BR/>I found them both to be captivating, but I'm drawn to the first.Rob Kistnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11365982588165098990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-28878462384443538392008-06-24T13:51:00.000+01:002008-06-24T13:51:00.000+01:00I agree with Carole that the second one brings to ...I agree with Carole that the second one brings to mind a more complete/larger image. Interestingly, when reading the second poem I picture boats in several different colors but in the first they are all shades of gray and fading blue. <BR/><BR/>However, I'm such a fan of old weathered wood (especially barns and docks) that the first line "softly weather" went right to me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-67974938984125470422008-06-24T02:14:00.000+01:002008-06-24T02:14:00.000+01:00Both are wonderful but I do agree the second one i...Both are wonderful but I do agree the second one is a much better haiku for the point you were making.Janice Thomsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02506920585319893814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-37981406451472476662008-06-23T22:34:00.000+01:002008-06-23T22:34:00.000+01:00The first one implies a longer passage of time, be...The first one implies a longer passage of time, because of <EM>weathering</EM>. It's more melancholy, because the boats are abandoned, faded, and weathered.<BR/><BR/>The second one speaks of colors, and although they are fading, they glow at sunset, which gives a hopeful feeling, like a last hurrah.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-41161792992802732082008-06-23T19:49:00.000+01:002008-06-23T19:49:00.000+01:00for me, the second one definitely works better.the...for me, the second one definitely works better.<BR/>the juxtaposition adds to the mood and creates the aha! momentpolonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12631341810150848122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-42044080195393503032008-06-23T18:55:00.000+01:002008-06-23T18:55:00.000+01:00I prefer the second one as it more concrete and im...I prefer the second one as it more concrete and immediately conjures up an image.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-72131978134557134242008-06-23T16:00:00.000+01:002008-06-23T16:00:00.000+01:00I like them both -- I really like the softly weath...I like them both -- I really like the softly weathering line but I think the 2nd one is a better haiku. The sunset places it in time and adds that nice dimension to it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-31947916262062059112008-06-23T14:08:00.000+01:002008-06-23T14:08:00.000+01:00For me the first is more of a visual experience an...For me the first is more of a visual experience and the second more of a body/emotion thing....d. moll, l.ac.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16007607538375968631noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16542790.post-8225319403631273042008-06-23T11:37:00.000+01:002008-06-23T11:37:00.000+01:00not a fair question--Julietboth are great!not a fair question--Juliet<BR/><BR/>both are great!Scothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09719725764131827872noreply@blogger.com